I recently saw my Grandmother and those that know me well know how much she means to me. As our Secretary of State says, “It takes a Village.” Being 38 years old I understand this completely. I understand that she loved me unconditionally. The concept of unconditional love is foreign to me, especially in relation to my grandma. Although I was an incredible grandson when I was a kid I was awful as a young adult in my twenties. How do I reconcile this? How do I clear my mind when SHE doesn’t have much of a mind or memory anymore? How do I let her know I apologize for being so ungrateful and selfish?
This is how I’ll try. . .
The question I pose to myself is: Did I disappoint my Grandma?***
1. Is it true? Yes.
2. Can you absolutely know it’s true? No.
3. How do you react; what happens when you believe that thought? I drive myself crazy with thoughts that she was mad at me, that she disapproved of my sexuality so much that she thought I was going to hell or even worse was embarrassed by me.
4. Who would you be without the thought? I would be a guilt free adult that knows for sure I loved her and appreciate all she did for me and not let other people’s stories and memories get in the way. I would know her by how I remember her. I would be at peace. I would know that even during that decade I was a good person or at least a good family member.
I can now rest and not occupy my mind with thoughts of quilt. I know the truth about how I feel about my grandma and know she would appreciate this. It was very sad to see her and I never cried so much, I really hope my nephews don’t think I am off my rocker as they saw me as a hot mess. We all were really. To see how the boys responded to her made my heart happy. I think they get it.
“Going Down Together” This phrase or variations of the phrase was spoken in a constant loop by Anna (we call her Anna now as she doesn't understand the concept that she is a Grandma) during every visit with her. What gives me peace is it seemed to be a happy, peaceful quote, although I have to admit a bit creepy. She loved and still loves to sing, as I do. Kelli and I sang “Jesus Loves Me” with her and she remembered the words. She also still loves Dean Martin, which I know will make my Cousin Joe happy.
God bless you Grandma. I really do love you and always have. Please forgive me.
***These questions were borrowed from Byron Katie, which I don’t know much about. She was a guest on Rosie O Radio this morning and inspired me to work on my regrets and false dreams. I’ll go into this and my thoughts about The Work later. One must use what works at the appropriate time when dealing with depression/anxiety.
This is how I’ll try. . .
The question I pose to myself is: Did I disappoint my Grandma?***
1. Is it true? Yes.
2. Can you absolutely know it’s true? No.
3. How do you react; what happens when you believe that thought? I drive myself crazy with thoughts that she was mad at me, that she disapproved of my sexuality so much that she thought I was going to hell or even worse was embarrassed by me.
4. Who would you be without the thought? I would be a guilt free adult that knows for sure I loved her and appreciate all she did for me and not let other people’s stories and memories get in the way. I would know her by how I remember her. I would be at peace. I would know that even during that decade I was a good person or at least a good family member.
I can now rest and not occupy my mind with thoughts of quilt. I know the truth about how I feel about my grandma and know she would appreciate this. It was very sad to see her and I never cried so much, I really hope my nephews don’t think I am off my rocker as they saw me as a hot mess. We all were really. To see how the boys responded to her made my heart happy. I think they get it.
“Going Down Together” This phrase or variations of the phrase was spoken in a constant loop by Anna (we call her Anna now as she doesn't understand the concept that she is a Grandma) during every visit with her. What gives me peace is it seemed to be a happy, peaceful quote, although I have to admit a bit creepy. She loved and still loves to sing, as I do. Kelli and I sang “Jesus Loves Me” with her and she remembered the words. She also still loves Dean Martin, which I know will make my Cousin Joe happy.
God bless you Grandma. I really do love you and always have. Please forgive me.
***These questions were borrowed from Byron Katie, which I don’t know much about. She was a guest on Rosie O Radio this morning and inspired me to work on my regrets and false dreams. I’ll go into this and my thoughts about The Work later. One must use what works at the appropriate time when dealing with depression/anxiety.
